Helena’s Brain
Neil, on dating my mother.
Note: the reason for our greeting is that Neil’s middle name is Hunt.
Matt: HUNT Neil: LEGEND Neil: LEGEND HUNTERS 2: THE SUNKEN TEMPLE Matt: I’d go and see it Neil: I’d take your mum, we’d sit at the back and have a great time. Afterwards I’d walk her home, kiss her at the door but wouldn’t go in for a coffee as I’m a gentleman. Matt: she’d be disappointed, but the night would hold promises of the future, so she’d be ok with it. Neil: I’d call her two days later, tell her I had a great time and ask her if she’d like go away for the weekend to my log cottage in the Hamptons. Neil: I’d have hired a ski instructor to teach us to ski and we’d sit up all night by the log fire drinking brandy. Neil: Later that weekend I’d push her off a cliff and run away with the waitress from the hotel. Neil: We’d move to Sweden, settle down and start a family. Neil: After the children left home we’d sell the house, move to Texas and start a horse ranch. It’s always been a dream of hers. Neil: On her 50th birthday there’d be a tragic accident, she’d fall from the horse and break her neck. Neil: She’d survive but be paralysed from the neck down. Neil: Unable to cope with the trauma I’d run away to the jungles of Borneo to try and get to grip with my feelings. Neil: After a brief stay with the indigenous people of Borneo I’d resolve to return home and look after her. Neil: Upon returning home I’d discover, to my horror, that she’d recently overmedicated and killed herself, unable to bear the shame of being a burden to me. Neil: At that moment the doorbell would ring. Neil: It’s your mum, she actually survived the fall. Neil: We hook up, it’s beautiful. Neil: The End. Matt: In as much as getting together with my mum could ever be described as beautiful. Neil: You realise that when I say ‘your mum’ I don’t mean your actual mother? Neil: She only partially survived the fall. She had to have her brain transplanted into the body of a passing supermodel. Matt: You can’t just say that Matt: You have to specify which supermodel Neil: I can’t think who qualifies as a “Super”model these days Matt: could just go for, say, helena christensen back in the day Neil: at the time of the Chris Isaak video she did, yes absolutely. Matt: like this Neil: SFW? Matt: yeah, bikini Neil: technically safe but still something people would ask why you’re looking at. Neil: nevertheless, loaded and looked. Matt: that’s my boy Matt: and now I grieve for the displaced brain of poor Helena
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