Matt Gemmell

My new book CHANGER is out now!

An action-adventure novel — book 1 in the KESTREL series.

★★★★★ — Amazon

Helena's Brain

University 2 min read

Neil, on dating my mother.

Note: the reason for our greeting is that Neil’s middle name is Hunt.

Matt:I'd go and see it
Neil:I'd take your mum, we'd sit at the back and have a great time. Afterwards I'd walk her home, kiss her at the door but wouldn't go in for a coffee as I'm a gentleman.
Matt:she'd be disappointed, but the night would hold promises of the future, so she'd be ok with it.
Neil:I'd call her two days later, tell her I had a great time and ask her if she'd like go away for the weekend to my log cottage in the Hamptons.
Neil:I'd have hired a ski instructor to teach us to ski and we'd sit up all night by the log fire drinking brandy.
Neil:Later that weekend I'd push her off a cliff and run away with the waitress from the hotel.
Neil:We'd move to Sweden, settle down and start a family.
Neil:After the children left home we'd sell the house, move to Texas and start a horse ranch. It's always been a dream of hers.
Neil:On her 50th birthday there'd be a tragic accident, she'd fall from the horse and break her neck.
Neil:She'd survive but be paralysed from the neck down.
Neil:Unable to cope with the trauma I'd run away to the jungles of Borneo to try and get to grip with my feelings.
Neil:After a brief stay with the indigenous people of Borneo I'd resolve to return home and look after her.
Neil:Upon returning home I'd discover, to my horror, that she'd recently overmedicated and killed herself, unable to bear the shame of being a burden to me.
Neil:At that moment the doorbell would ring.
Neil:It's your mum, she actually survived the fall.
Neil:We hook up, it's beautiful.
Neil:The End.
Matt:In as much as getting together with my mum could ever be described as beautiful.
Neil:You realise that when I say 'your mum' I don't mean your actual mother?
Neil:She only partially survived the fall. She had to have her brain transplanted into the body of a passing supermodel.
Matt:You can't just say that
Matt:You have to specify which supermodel
Neil:I can't think who qualifies as a "Super"model these days
Matt:could just go for, say, helena christensen back in the day
Neil:at the time of the Chris Isaak video she did, yes absolutely.
Matt:like this
Matt:yeah, bikini
Neil:technically safe but still something people would ask why you're looking at.
Neil:nevertheless, loaded and looked.
Matt:that's my boy
Matt:and now I grieve for the displaced brain of poor Helena