Matt: | I feel another ridiculous plan coming on |
Bob: | another one? |
Matt: | I'm pretty sure it's not just indigestion |
Bob: | i'll strap myself in |
Matt: | ok, |
Matt: | picture the scene: |
Matt: | it's friday 4th june |
Matt: | exams are done, we're all in Jim's |
Matt: | except yourself |
Bob: | where am i? |
Matt: | we'll get to that |
Bob: | but soon, i hope |
Matt: | Hans has come along to socialise with Wendy's uni friends, as a gesture of commitment and an expression of his desire to strengthen the relationship |
Bob: | nefarious |
Matt: | however, our crowd is having none of it. It's a bit awkward. |
Matt: | and not just because everyone fancies Wendy anyway. |
Bob: | heh |
Matt: | so the evening wears on a little |
Matt: | folk start pairing off in that bizarre other-worldly way that folk do when they know it's the last night out of the year |
Matt: | the dream of chalmers on one knee and emma on the other is fulfilled |
Matt: | so it's all going well |
Matt: | I am sitting observing all this calmly and soberly, I might add, watching the clock. |
Bob: | waiting for your lift home? |
Matt: | something like that |
Matt: | but, drama unfolds! |
Matt: | everyone notices suddenly raised voices, and sees that Hans and Wendy are having a serious argument |
Matt: | tempers flare, and things are said which cannot be taken back |
Bob: | he's a mad fool |
Matt: | fueled both by alcohol and my great screenwriting, |
Matt: | he becomes literally a mad fool |
Bob: | prescient |
Matt: | fatalistically decreeing that if he can't have her, then no-one can! |
Matt: | it's that nightmare of nightmares, the broken bottle of Stella |
Matt: | carelessly discarded by me earlier on. |
Matt: | it seems that just about nothing can save her, |
Matt: | since everyone is wrecked anyway, and stunned into silence and immobility. |
Matt: | there is a moment where it appears that everything has stopped still, between two ticks of the clock |
Matt: | then |
Matt: | from nowhere |
Matt: | a goddamn sword CUTS THROUGH REALITY |
Matt: | from Somewhere Else |
Matt: | and you step through the dimensional portal |
Bob: | in biker gear? |
Matt: | if you like |
Bob: | and i do |
Matt: | but with the sword, obviously. |
Matt: | a quick SWWWWWIIIIIIPE of the sword, and not only is the bottle no longer a problem, but neither is the dude's whole motherfucking ARM |
Matt: | to which I have to say, mad psychotic props. |
Bob: | he had it coming |
Matt: | crazed with pain, fear, and loss, he charges you |
Matt: | but you sidestep, and he falls into the portal right before it snaps shut |
Matt: | sealing him in limbo for all time |
Bob: | i'm guessing i'm something of a legend at that point |
Matt: | well it's funny you should say that |
Matt: | I think we can all agree that that would be one of the very coolest things ever to happen anywhere |
Matt: | this is not lost upon Wendy |
Matt: | there is a passionate embrace, and the crowd just goes fucking nuts |
Matt: | I'm talking whistles, roaring applause, even lighters |
Matt: | LIGHTERS dude. |
Bob: | whoopin' and a-hollerin' |
Matt: | even my Zippo, which I bought for just such an occasion |
Bob: | and chris's... generic lighter? |
Matt: | that certainly puts in an appearance |
Bob: | auspicious |
Matt: | at this point, Stevie Gray walks over in his role as barperson |
Matt: | then there's the obligatory agonising "joke" moment, of some sort |
Bob: | brr |
Matt: | where someone says something painfully corny and/or embarrassing, and the entire crowd erupts into hysterical laughter, like it's the funniest thing they've ever heard |
Matt: | like, he'd ask what you wanted to drink, and say that it was on the house, |
Matt: | and you'd say that you'd "give your right arm" for a drink |
Matt: | but it would actually be funny, in that weird way it is in movies. |
Bob: | that would be ace, really |
Matt: | then it would all freeze-frame on everyone laughing, and her in your arms, but the way-cool music would continue on |
Matt: | then you've got the credits etc. |
Matt: | christ that would fucking rock. |
Bob: | perhaps that would happen with any sword in my hands |
Bob: | (closes eyes) |
Bob: | damn, still here |
Matt: | you have a sword? |
Bob: | more like a butter-knife |
Matt: | ahh right |
Bob: | and, i didn't really go and get one |
Matt: | that's some of my best work in this field so far |
Bob: | it certainly takes it to a whole new level |
Matt: | a whole new DIMENSION of aceness, you might say. |
Matt: | I mean, I wouldn't say that |
Matt: | but someone might. |
Bob: | i was going to |
Matt: | well there you go. |