| Matt: | I feel another ridiculous plan coming on |
| Bob: | another one? |
| Matt: | I'm pretty sure it's not just indigestion |
| Bob: | i'll strap myself in |
| Matt: | ok, |
| Matt: | picture the scene: |
| Matt: | it's friday 4th june |
| Matt: | exams are done, we're all in Jim's |
| Matt: | except yourself |
| Bob: | where am i? |
| Matt: | we'll get to that |
| Bob: | but soon, i hope |
| Matt: | Hans has come along to socialise with Wendy's uni friends, as a gesture of commitment and an expression of his desire to strengthen the relationship |
| Bob: | nefarious |
| Matt: | however, our crowd is having none of it. It's a bit awkward. |
| Matt: | and not just because everyone fancies Wendy anyway. |
| Bob: | heh |
| Matt: | so the evening wears on a little |
| Matt: | folk start pairing off in that bizarre other-worldly way that folk do when they know it's the last night out of the year |
| Matt: | the dream of chalmers on one knee and emma on the other is fulfilled |
| Matt: | so it's all going well |
| Matt: | I am sitting observing all this calmly and soberly, I might add, watching the clock. |
| Bob: | waiting for your lift home? |
| Matt: | something like that |
| Matt: | but, drama unfolds! |
| Matt: | everyone notices suddenly raised voices, and sees that Hans and Wendy are having a serious argument |
| Matt: | tempers flare, and things are said which cannot be taken back |
| Bob: | he's a mad fool |
| Matt: | fueled both by alcohol and my great screenwriting, |
| Matt: | he becomes literally a mad fool |
| Bob: | prescient |
| Matt: | fatalistically decreeing that if he can't have her, then no-one can! |
| Matt: | it's that nightmare of nightmares, the broken bottle of Stella |
| Matt: | carelessly discarded by me earlier on. |
| Matt: | it seems that just about nothing can save her, |
| Matt: | since everyone is wrecked anyway, and stunned into silence and immobility. |
| Matt: | there is a moment where it appears that everything has stopped still, between two ticks of the clock |
| Matt: | then |
| Matt: | from nowhere |
| Matt: | a goddamn sword CUTS THROUGH REALITY |
| Matt: | from Somewhere Else |
| Matt: | and you step through the dimensional portal |
| Bob: | in biker gear? |
| Matt: | if you like |
| Bob: | and i do |
| Matt: | but with the sword, obviously. |
| Matt: | a quick SWWWWWIIIIIIPE of the sword, and not only is the bottle no longer a problem, but neither is the dude's whole motherfucking ARM |
| Matt: | to which I have to say, mad psychotic props. |
| Bob: | he had it coming |
| Matt: | crazed with pain, fear, and loss, he charges you |
| Matt: | but you sidestep, and he falls into the portal right before it snaps shut |
| Matt: | sealing him in limbo for all time |
| Bob: | i'm guessing i'm something of a legend at that point |
| Matt: | well it's funny you should say that |
| Matt: | I think we can all agree that that would be one of the very coolest things ever to happen anywhere |
| Matt: | this is not lost upon Wendy |
| Matt: | there is a passionate embrace, and the crowd just goes fucking nuts |
| Matt: | I'm talking whistles, roaring applause, even lighters |
| Matt: | LIGHTERS dude. |
| Bob: | whoopin' and a-hollerin' |
| Matt: | even my Zippo, which I bought for just such an occasion |
| Bob: | and chris's... generic lighter? |
| Matt: | that certainly puts in an appearance |
| Bob: | auspicious |
| Matt: | at this point, Stevie Gray walks over in his role as barperson |
| Matt: | then there's the obligatory agonising "joke" moment, of some sort |
| Bob: | brr |
| Matt: | where someone says something painfully corny and/or embarrassing, and the entire crowd erupts into hysterical laughter, like it's the funniest thing they've ever heard |
| Matt: | like, he'd ask what you wanted to drink, and say that it was on the house, |
| Matt: | and you'd say that you'd "give your right arm" for a drink |
| Matt: | but it would actually be funny, in that weird way it is in movies. |
| Bob: | that would be ace, really |
| Matt: | then it would all freeze-frame on everyone laughing, and her in your arms, but the way-cool music would continue on |
| Matt: | then you've got the credits etc. |
| Matt: | christ that would fucking rock. |
| Bob: | perhaps that would happen with any sword in my hands |
| Bob: | (closes eyes) |
| Bob: | damn, still here |
| Matt: | you have a sword? |
| Bob: | more like a butter-knife |
| Matt: | ahh right |
| Bob: | and, i didn't really go and get one |
| Matt: | that's some of my best work in this field so far |
| Bob: | it certainly takes it to a whole new level |
| Matt: | a whole new DIMENSION of aceness, you might say. |
| Matt: | I mean, I wouldn't say that |
| Matt: | but someone might. |
| Bob: | i was going to |
| Matt: | well there you go. |