Matt Gemmell

TOLL is available now!

An action-thriller novel — book 2 in the KESTREL series.

★★★★★ — Amazon


personal 3 min read

It’s been more than a week since I let everyone know that Lauren and I are together, and more than two and a half weeks since we actually got together. I’m not sure if I’ll post this publicly, but I wanted to write up a few of my thoughts about how things are going, and the situation in general.

In the event that I have indeed posted this, you may as well stop reading now if this kind of thing doesn’t interest you, or makes you uncomfortable. The simple fact is that my relationship with Lauren is what’s occupying my thoughts the vast majority of the time right now, and since this blog is for me much more than for its readers, I reserve the right to talk about such things here from time to time.

I guess the first and most important thing to say is that everything is going really well for us. We’re both incredibly happy right now, and we’re still getting on just as well and just as effortlessly as before we got together. We’re in that great beginning stage where everything is very intense, and we’re unquestionably the most loved-up couple around.

The thing is, I don’t think it’s just a beginning stage; something is very fundamentally right about this. There’s usually a fragility about the start of a relationship, and that’s just not present here. We’re exactly the same people we were before we got together, right down to the banter and other social interplay between us. We’ve gained much more, but the core dynamic is fully intact, and that’s a rare and powerful thing.

All of the events of the Summer and the early part of this semester weren’t particularly easy for either of us, but looking back I genuinely wouldn’t change anything, and not just because we’re together now. Everything that happened gave us the chance to become very close friends, and to get to know each other for who we actually are, without the pressure of Starting A Relationship. I’ve cared about Lauren for quite a while now, and I had the chance to really spend a lot of time evaluating that, and figuring out whether getting together with her was what I really wanted. Having thought about it long and hard from a position of being free to do so, I knew what I wanted, and I’m really lucky to have got it.

I also think that she would agree with me about not regretting the overall path of events up to this point. She had the chance to get to know me as a friend, and to slowly begin to become close to me without worrying about a more complex situation unfolding around us. Much later, after plenty more goings-on in both our lives, we both knew that we wanted to try this, and for the right reasons.

I do still get those inevitable moments where I realise yet again that I’m actually with her now, and momentarily question the reality of it. I guess you do that for the first while, particularly if you’ve wanted to be with the person for a while. I look at her and wonder how it came to be that she’s with me, and seems to be genuinely pleased to be with me. It’s no surprise that I find her amazingly beautiful, and I could readily write an entire post about that. I love her hair, her smile, how soft her cheeks are, the smell of her perfume, how slender her hands are, her lips, her voice and her laugh, and most of all the look I can see in her eyes when we’re together. I love her personality, her wit, her sense of humour, her quiet grace, her kindness, and her shy side. I guess I’ve got it bad.

I can see that she’s happy; more happy than she’s been in a long time. I try my best to treat her as well as I can, but more importantly to let her know that it’s the person she actually is that I’m attracted to, with no need for any pretences or filtering or such. I can see she’s completely comfortable with me, and that she trusts me with the responsibility of not hurting her, and of bringing something positive into her life. And, I can see that I’m actually managing to do that. That makes me feel better about myself than I think I ever have before.

I’m aware that there are several people reading this who may not want to hear all of these things, but again this is for me, and I hope they can at least be glad for both of us. I’m very, very happy right now. I feel energised about my degree course, my friends, and even moreso about myself. I feel like I’ve really achieved something in being able to make Lauren happy these past weeks, and I’m excited and a little dazed at the prospects of The Future. I’m content and optimistic about my life right now. I’m just really happy, and it’s due to how well things are going for us.

I guess you never know when it’s the right time to admit to yourself how you really feel about someone, much less when to admit it to that person. It can be a dangerous thing if the other person doesn’t feel the same way. I just believe that the truth is more important than the risk involved in telling it. Thankfully, the gamble sometimes pays off far beyond your expectations if the other person does feel the same way.

It’s never too soon if it’s the truth.