Matt Gemmell

TOLL is available now!

An action-thriller novel — book 2 in the KESTREL series.

★★★★★ — Amazon

Remote central-locking nipples

personal 1 min read

As I mentioned  
<a href="">previously</a>, Jamie 
posted a <a href="">followup</a> 
to my earlier "Car Protocol" post. Her blog is at, so combining the themes of cars, sexism and breasts, 
it occurred to me that a great invention would be... remote "central-locking" for nipples!
The way it would work is that, after your female partner had had appropriate installation surgery, you'd have a little 
keychain remote control with a single button on it. Instead of popping up or down the lock-tabs on your car's doors, 
it would have a similar effect on your beloved's nipples. A fortune no doubt awaits the first person to offer this wonderful 

The top-of-the-line model could even have embedded orange lights, which would blink rapidly six times when "unlocking", and 
stay on for 3 seconds when "locking". You could even have that great <em>shunk</em> noise, and even the electronic <em>chook-chook</em> 
you hear on some vehicles. I'd pay for that.

Anyone know a venture capitalist in the Glasgow area?

For those who have only started reading my blog recently, and/or those who have labelled me a crazed sexist/misogynist git, allow me to just make this perfectly clear: I'm kidding. Now behave yourself.